I am nothing but a pawn. A disposable tool of my Goddess. I am worth less than the sand under my feet in my Goddess’s eyes. I, who have given her my everything, am nothing but another tool, just like the hundreds of others in her control. Replaceable. Forgettable. Insignificant. I guess it’s understandable, a Goddess cannot possibly return every one of her follower’s devotion, especially mortal ones whose lives span but a fraction of time, but I do not understand why it hurts so much, this pa in my chest. Perhaps this is what a broken heart feels like? If so, I can’t imagine who would ever make anyone feel this way. No one deserves to feel like this. I would not even wish it on my worst enemy.
Yet, even as I realize all this, I still call her my Goddess. I still love her as clearly as I always have, even if she does not love me in the same way. I still answer to her voice, and my heart still yearns to serve her, no matter how much it hurts to do so. This, the ability to be able to inflict such a state on someone, is the true power of my Goddess. To be able to wield and twist people’s hearts and minds in such a way… It’s terrifying. Now I fully understand the fear of love.
We’ve completed our journey with no more casualties, explored the ruins and make it out with our lives, plenty of wealth, and more knowledge than we had hoped for. We met the strange bronze dwarf. He was through a portal in the ruins, most likely guarded by the huge statues in the room. The woke when we entered, but did not attack us. I suspect that it was because of the magical statue water we drank. I do not know why, but nor do I care. Not anymore.
The dwarf man, he granted us each a question, and would clarify until we were satisfied. Apparently he could watch over the world, and has spent the last… gods know long, doing so. He knew everything, and for some unknown reason, decided to gift us the knowledge of our choice.
I asked him about the Warforged, about their plans. Apparently, their becoming god is supposed to destroy the lattice of heaven, the thing holding the sea together, and essentially end the world for an attempt to rebuild it from scratch. Many, many factions want control of their new little deity, but none have been able to really do anything about it yet. It is growing in power by stealing it from artifacts and “god-touched”, people chosen by the gods, with their power imbued in them, directing that power towards their little project.
It makes me sick. I can’t understand why someone would be so selfish as to do such a thing. I get how corrupted this world is, I really do, but to take away another’s god for your own, just to have a slim chance at rebuilding it all. It’s pointless, really. All of this is. But a servant cannot complain, only do her duties. I just hope my Goddess doesn’t expect a smile, as well.
As I write this, we are about to head off into The Sea with this small, flying Warforged ship, preparing to sail to Sova Nico, where Damien said he fled. He left a message for us on the piers of Saukliff, one that we were lucky enough not to have to find ourselves. Turns out he’s a servant of Erathis, the goddess of civilization, inventions, and the law, a fellow “god-touched”. He used the guise of a travelling circus to transport fellow members of his cause secretly, away from the eyes of his enemies. I knew he was hiding something, that he was suspicious. However, I do not believe he is untrustworthy any longer, now that I know he is a fellow pawn, just of a different queen.
Myron has abandoned his god, Bahamut. I worry about what may become of him, now that he is a godless angel. Even with the recent information, I cannot believe he did such a thing. How does one simply cast away their god so… freely. It’s an alien concept. I’m sure he’s just as tired as I am, but that… I could never do that. My Goddess gave me life. I am willing to give it back. There is simply no other way. Although, I do almost envy him, the lavender one. To be free of his god, his responsibilities, of having to please. Maybe some day, I will be as free as him. But, I must not think of such things. They are devilish ideas.
I must stop writing. I just want this day to be over with.